Raise it early, in private, and anchor every sentence to something you actually saw — a specific near-miss, a new dent, a missed stop sign — rather than to your parent's age. Frame it as one conversation in a series about staying mobile, not a single verdict on whether they keep the keys, and come with replacement rides already identified before you ask them to give anything up. That framing is not just politeness. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration states plainly that fitness to drive is determined by driving performance, not age, which means a birthday is not evidence and your parent will rightly reject it as one.
Table of Contents
- Gather dated, specific observations before you say anything
- Who should start the conversation, and how it tends to land
- Let a self-assessment or a professional deliver the verdict
- Have the replacement transport ready before you ask
- What the crash numbers do and do not say
- When persuasion fails
- Frequently Asked Questions
Gather dated, specific observations before you say anything
NHTSA's guidance for families breaks the task into three steps: collect information, develop a plan of action, then follow through. The collecting comes first for a reason — a conversation built on "we're worried about you" invites denial, while one built on four dated incidents from three different people is hard to argue with.
NHTSA advises gathering written, dated notes from several people who see the person drive, and suggests riding along or following in another car to see for yourself. Those dated notes matter beyond the kitchen-table conversation: if a physician gets involved later, a record of what happened and when is far more useful than an impression. What to write down:.
- Date, time, route, and weather for each drive you observed
- Lane drifting, late braking, or stopping at green lights
- Missed stop signs, traffic lights, or turn signals left blinking
- New scrapes on the car, garage door, or mailbox
- Getting lost on familiar routes
Who should start the conversation, and how it tends to land
The Hartford and MIT AgeLab's We Need to Talk guide reports that among older adults who said someone had raised their driving, more than half followed the suggestions — and women did so more readily than men. That is a better success rate than most families expect going in, which argues for having the conversation rather than postponing it. Who raises it changes the odds.
The same guide's 2016 survey of 2,015 US drivers over 50 found that married drivers largely prefer a spouse to start the conversation. If your other parent is in the picture and willing, they are usually the better opener, with adult children supporting rather than leading. Choose a private, unhurried moment — not the car, not a holiday table, not immediately after an incident when everyone is defensive. One adult child speaking calmly reads as concern; three siblings arriving together reads as an ambush.
Let a self-assessment or a professional deliver the verdict
A parent who reaches the conclusion themselves does not have to lose an argument to get there. The AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety's Drivers 65 Plus: Check Your Performance is a printable, self-scored worksheet explicitly designed for private use — nobody else sees the result. Its companion tool, Roadwise Rx, is free and confidential, and checks how a person's medications may be affecting their driving. When self-assessment is not enough, the National Institute on Aging recommends having driving skills assessed by a trained professional: a driving rehabilitation specialist, an occupational therapist, or similar.
These specialists test both on-road and off-road performance, can recommend adaptive equipment that keeps someone driving safely, and can advise when it is time to stop. Two practical points about that route. Specialists are listed in the American Occupational Therapy Association's database, and they charge fees — this is usually an out-of-pocket expense. The upside is that an outside professional, not you, owns the conclusion, and the possible outcome is a modification rather than an ending.
Have the replacement transport ready before you ask
Taking away driving without replacing the mobility does measurable harm. A systematic review by Chihuri and colleagues in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society pooled five studies and found that driving cessation nearly doubled the odds of depressive symptoms in adults 55 and older — a summary odds ratio of 1.91, with a 95% confidence interval of 1.61 to 2.27. That is the counterweight to every safety statistic.
NHTSA's consumer alert on the same topic urges families to talk about age-related changes early and build a transportation plan well in advance — reviewing medications, scheduling health checkups, and lining up rides from family, public transit, or volunteer driver services. Early means before a crisis forces the issue, when there is still time to test whether the local senior transport service actually goes where your parent needs to go. Start with partial limits rather than a full stop. No night driving, no highways, no unfamiliar routes, no driving in rain — these preserve most of the independence while removing most of the risk, and they give everyone a trial run at living with fewer trips behind the wheel.
What the crash numbers do and do not say
The context is worth knowing, partly so you can use it accurately and partly so you do not misuse it. The CDC reports that about 9,100 adults aged 65 and older were killed in traffic crashes in 2022, with more than 270,000 treated in emergency departments for crash injuries — roughly 25 deaths and 740 injuries a day. Nearly 52 million drivers 65 and older were licensed, a figure up 77% since 2004.
The important nuance: the CDC attributes the higher crash death rate among drivers 70 and older — higher per 1,000 crashes than middle-aged drivers aged 35 to 54 — mainly to greater physical vulnerability to injury, not to crashing more often. Older drivers are not more dangerous as a group so much as more fragile when something goes wrong. That is why these numbers belong in your own thinking and not in the conversation. Quoting national statistics at your parent restates the age argument NHTSA tells you to avoid, and it hands them an easy rebuttal: those are other people.
When persuasion fails
If your parent will not stop and you believe they are a genuine danger, most states accept a report from a family member. California's DMV, for example, accepts a Request for Driver Reexamination (form DS 699, revised October 2024) or a signed letter from a family member describing the concern. Read the confidentiality terms carefully before you file.
The report must be signed, and while the reporter may ask that their name not be disclosed, the DMV honors that request "to the fullest extent possible" — which is a commitment to try, not a guarantee of anonymity. Decide in advance that you can live with your parent learning it was you. One limit applies everywhere: age alone is not grounds. California's form requires a description of the driving behavior that concerns you, which is exactly the dated record NHTSA told you to build in the first place.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should I just take the car keys?
Not as a first move. The evidence on driving cessation and depression means an abrupt stop with no replacement transport trades one harm for another; limits on night driving or highways usually buy safety at a much lower cost.
My parent's doctor seems like the right person to raise this. Is that worth pursuing?
Yes, and it is why NHTSA emphasizes dated written notes — a physician can act on a record of specific incidents far more readily than on a general worry, and NHTSA also suggests scheduling health checkups as part of the plan.
What if my siblings disagree about how serious this is?
Have each of them ride along separately and keep their own dated notes. NHTSA's advice to collect observations from several people exists partly because one person's impression is easy to dismiss and a consistent record from three is not.